


Hunger

by kannstdunicht



Series: Merlin Songfics [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur's POV, Eating Disorders, I Made Myself Cry, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, M/M, Merlin dies, Oneshot, Songfic, Title from a Florence + the Machine Song, are a big theme, arthur is a sad babe, because it was in the song, but there, but- this is only part one, hunger, i love these boys, its a great song, none of this is graphic, not graphic, oh yeah, only slight, part one, sad endling, slight mentions of eating disorders, so easy to manipulate, the next part is more badly written but it has a happy ending so, this is short but i really like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 01:01:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kannstdunicht/pseuds/kannstdunicht
Summary: Young Arthur was an idiot. Now, looking back, he could see that. Merlin helped him push that away and become someone who was worthy of the throne. Arthur needed his love, though they didn't call it that. Yet.A short one-shot based on the song "Hunger", by Florence and the Machine. Part one of two. Sad ending.





	Hunger

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy, this was really fun to write and I think it's one of, if not fully, my best fics to date. :)

>   _At seventeen_
> 
> _I started to starve myself_  

 

Young Arthur was an idiot. He was too caught up in the muchness of the castle, the beauty of the court. He was too caught up in the guilt that he had so much, others had so little, and he still couldn’t bring himself to look a mirror and be thankful for what he had been given. He truly believed that the only way to control his longing was to pile more longing on top.

 

> _I thought that love was a kind of emptiness_
> 
> _At least I understood, then, the hunger I felt_

 

He threw himself into training, into governing as well as he could with a head deprived of the things that they lorded over the lower class. He still slept on furs, still wore gold and silver and priceless gems like others wore their hearts or flowers. But he turned away servants offering turkey, wine, sustenance that he liked to call weakness.

 

> _And I didn’t have to call it loneliness_

 

And then Merlin came. He was the kind of skinny that Arthur knew was not due to effort. He was the kind of sweet that Arthur had once scorned and sneered at. His ears were too big, his smile too wide, too open. Of course, Arthur hated him. Merlin was everything that he was not.

 

> _“Tell me what you need.”_
> 
> _Oh, you look so free_

 

But he couldn’t hate someone who was so devoted to him. Merlin banished young, dumb Arthur with his insistence that he was good. And that was so outside of everything he had ever known. No one had before said he was good in the same sentence that they made it so clear that he wasn’t perfect. He treated Arthur like a person, not just something to be paraded around for marriage. As Arthur finally ate, his need for something else grew.

 

> _The way you use your body, baby,_
> 
> _Come on and work it for me_

 

It was the most natural thing in the world for them to get together. They were best friends, they were already each other’s everything. No one noticed a thing when Merlin stayed long nights in his chambers. No one noticed a thing when Arthur sacrificed himself for Merlin over and over again. Everyone noticed as he turned down princess after beautiful princess. He didn’t want their false smiles, their perfect hair, their willingness to be Queen one day, whatever he wanted, whatever he liked. They were just band-aids over a gaping hole in his heart. Merlin was the missing piece of the essential muscle. He was full when they were together, physically and spiritually and oh, gods, that boy was beautiful with his head thrown back like that.

 

> _And I can’t dress,_
> 
> _they’re going to crucify me_

 

He and Merlin never talked about the future, though. About when it would end, because it would. Arthur had a duty to his people. Merlin has secrets. They were born to be together, but born, as well, to be ripped apart. It was bittersweet when they kissed, because they never knew if it would be their last. And, by all of Arthur’s power as prince, each time, he swore to himself it wasn’t.

 

> _Oh, but you and your vibrant youth_
> 
> _How could anything bad ever happen to you?_

 

Sometimes Arthur would look at Merlin and realize he glowed. He had a fresh, happy look about him. Even with everything they had been through, he seemed immortal. Untouchable. And then Merlin would turn and see him staring and wink and Arthur would flush and throw something at him and it was so blissfully normal that his heart ached as if Merlin had already left, reopening the gaping hole in his chest. But he was there as they held each other in the aftermath of an adventure, he was there as he woke Arthur up with a tray of food that he made sure was eaten every morning. Even though they had never talked about it, even though he had told no one, had barely admitted it to himself at the time, Arthur was positive that Merlin knew what young Arthur had done. He couldn’t express what he felt for his so much more than servant.

 

> _You make a fool of death with your beauty_

 

When his father found out about Merlin’s magic, it seemed as if he was starving again. The ravaging rage had burnt out the piece of his heart that was Merlin’s, leaving him gasping for breath. If this was half of what the pyre was like, he wished his father had never found out about Merlin’s secret. And as he snuck into the dungeons for one last night with the only person who had ever truly cared for him, Arthur desperately tried to memorize his imperfect, perfect face.

 

 

> _And, for a moment_
> 
> _I forget to worry_

 

Merlin filled his dry, cracked heart like he always had. His smile was less goofy, a little sadder now, but it was still there. Arthur couldn’t get enough. When the sun rose, they watched it through that small window, clutched in each other’s arms. Neither mentioned the dried tears on Arthur’s face. He had promised to watch as Merlin burned, and he kept that promise. The magic seal he had laid over Arthur’s empty heart curled and seared like the pages of the magic book that had been found in his chambers. It was only right before Merlin started screaming in pain that Arthur allowed himself to think the word _love._ He knew now that the emptiness he felt was the absence of it. Older Arthur was not an idiot, but he could not love anymore.

 

> _We all have a hunger._

**Author's Note:**

> <3 Keep an eye out for the sequel, and tell me how I did! This is only my second fic on AO3, though I've been reading for years and writing in other places, so I've not quite gotten the hang of it yet. Thanks, loves!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Answer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919899) by [kannstdunicht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kannstdunicht/pseuds/kannstdunicht)




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